Musings on Marriage

Okay guys, before I begin this post, I feel like I’m obligated to tell you that we’re headed in a new direction. Not 100% sure what that is yet, but I’m going to be expanding this from just a Fashion blog to like, a Life blog? It’ll include fashion, art, crafts, and a lot of my musings. Again, I’m not quite yet sure what it’s going to look like, I’m taking a couple months to brainstorm. But if in the meantime, I get inspired and feel like I got shit to say then I shall post it, as I am doing now.

Also, other thing I should mention, is that if you are watching or intend to watch Aziz Ansari’s new show Master of None, have not yet finished the first season, and do not wish to see spoilers, I highly suggest you stop reading now. The first paragraph describes the entire finale lol. But if that’s not you, then by all means forge ahead! Cheers!

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Okay so I just finished watching Master of None and I have so many feelings. In the season finale, Dev and his girlfriend attend a wedding where the bride and groom share ridiculous vows about being 100% in and never having any fears or doubts about their relationship. Upon hearing this, Dev freaks out because he wasn’t positive he was 100% sure about his own relationship. He tells his girlfriend who, instead of hearing his fears and examining them as his own issue without making it about herself, freaks out because she feels like he’s saying he doesn’t want to be with her. And then HE, instead of hearing her fears and assuaging them while still trying to successfully communicate his own, decides that they should each write on pieces of paper what “percentage sure” they are that their relationship is gonna go all the way.

I know, even recounting it makes me almost burst into hives, it was literally the worst idea ever. As you might have guessed, since it was IMPOSSIBLE for them to have predicted each other’s exact number, hers ended up being slightly lower than his and because of that they broke up. This whole thing, like I said, makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.

First of all, being 100% sure about the future of your relationship is literally impossible. I’m not sure how many of you guys are hip to this but we can’t tell the future. Surprise! And no amount of star gazing, or tarot reading is going to help that. As, thankfully, a smarter character on the show pointed out, the percentage sure you are about your relationship will fluctuate. Sometimes you’ll feel good, sometimes you’ll feel bad, but what doesn’t change is the decision you made to try, which I’ll address more in a second.

The other worry Dev brought up is not knowing if his girlfriend is the person he is “supposed to be with forever”. But… I feel like the whole idea of “supposed to be together” is bullshit. You literally choose— if you are with someone forever, it’s not because you were “supposed to be”. It’s because you decided. And the thing about forever is that it’s every minute, every second. Do I know if I will love you forever? No, because I can’t tell the future. But also Yes, because I’m loving you now.
And now.
And now.
*a few minutes pass*
And now.

That’s how people get to forever, it’s just a bunch of “nows”, one after the other.

I was also struck by the idea that once you’re married, the window of time to do “crazy shit” is damn near closed. All it takes is children to put that last nail in the coffin and you are essentially stationary for the rest of your life. Am I the only one who thinks that’s ridiculous? Okay the children part, definitely. Because those little shits will consume your entire life and never look back. But I mean marriage? Like okay ya if you marry someone, there’s one more person you have to consider before making big decisions like that. But I see no reason why, if your partner has a heart for adventure as well, you can’t just both go. Or even if they can’t, or you just want a solo mission and you won’t be gone for that long, why can’t you just go?

Maybe I’m “too independent”. Maybe that’s not how you’re “supposed to do marriage”. I dunno, I just— I feel like I understand why marriage is hard but at the same time I don’t understand it at all. My therapist told me most of the work of being in a successful relationship is working on yourself, and like everything else, I’m pretty sure she’s right. The hard part is learning to decipher what you’re feeling and communicate it in a constructive way. But once you’ve learned that, and you’ve chosen a partner who’s also learned that, all you have to do is keep doing that. Right? Like I understand I’m 26 and have never been married but after observing successful and unsuccessful relationships for many, many moons, I feel like all it boils down to is communication. Because we will change. Your partner will change, you will change… Hopefully it will be towards growth. But I feel like as long as you can communicate your change, it will result in growing together, which I think is how “forever” happens.

The show also illuminated the idea that marriage is a crapshoot anyway because you marry whomever you “happen to be dating” at the “time that people usually get married”. Which, while understanding the sentiment, I disagree with. It’s not like choosing someone to marry is like spinning the Wheel of Fortune and wherever it lands is who you’re stuck with. There is some happenstance involved of course, as there is with all of life, but my hope would be that by the time you’re of “marrying age” and are considering marrying someone, it’s not just because they were present at the appointed time, but because you have done work on yourself to emotionally mature and they have also done work on themselves to emotionally mature and that’s why you’ve started dating. And marriage happens, not because you both feel you’re “supposed to”, or because it’s “the time people get married”, but because you’ve both decided—you’ve both taken the agency, to WORK. “I will not stop loving you.” That is, I will not stop trying to look out for you. Trying to understand you. Trying to support you. Trying to learn you.  It’s literal effort. It’s a practice. And sometimes you’ll nail it and sometimes you won’t but the point is to keep trying, which is what I was referring to earlier. And I think in that trying, we grow ourselves, and maybe that’s why we do it.