I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do with my life. Lol duh, when am I not thinking about what I want to do with my life? You know, people are always talking about having a “quarter life crisis” or, its scarier older brother, the dreaded “mid-life crisis.” But honestly I’m starting to think that neither of those things exists and it’s just your life. Like literally your entire life is a crisis. Even when you’re a baby, like have you ever thought about how dramatic being a baby is? Everything that happens to you is literally the best or the worst thing you’ve ever felt. It must be traumatizing, I feel like that’s why we black it out. BUT ANYWAY, I digress. So the task is always trying to figure out “What do I want?”, “Who do I want to be?”, “How do I get there?” I don’t know if there’s any point when we’re not asking ourselves some form of these questions—at least I know there hasn’t been for me or any of my friends, and I kinda feel there won’t be.
I think what I’ve been feeling, really my whole life but even stronger now, is the tension between “should” and “want”. I should put this money into a savings account but I want new clothes. I should study something sensible like engineering but I want to study fashion design. I should take this desk job so I can pay rent but I want to teach yoga in a tree lol. It’s this constant back and forth between security and passion, comfort and drive – sometimes I feel like the main character in a Disney movie. Forced to choose between stability, and the desire to jump of a cliff and soar on the wind. What I’m saying is that I’m Pocahontas.
And I wish I could choose to resign myself to either fate, but I think the reason I can’t is because I have this annoying conviction that it’s possible to do both. That we can find a way to live so that our lives are sustainable. Where what we love to do and how we want to be can also support us and maybe later, our families. Ultimately it just comes back to the trite but irritatingly accurate expression of making your “passion your profession”. Finding a way to get paid for things you would spend your time doing anyway. And I mean, maybe I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one (see what I did there?) and I feel like the drive for my life right now is to find it— to make my life sustainable.
The bummer is that I have no idea what that looks like. I don’t know what moves to make, what people to talk to—maybe that’s why I decided to write this post and talk to everyone at once. But I think what it comes down to is that we’re all just trying to figure it out. That’s all this post is: me saying “I’m trying to figure it out, I don’t know how to figure it out, and sometimes I get mad about it”, which is what wine is for. So I dunno, I’m hoping at the very least you read this and feel like if nothing else, there’s at least one other person out there who has no idea what she’s doing (**raises hand** Present!)
But I guess I also wanted to encourage you (mostly myself) in that it’s okay to not understand and maybe feel like a lot of parts of your life are in shambles lol. You guys I’m really trying to keep this from devolving into a cheesy after school special but it seems to quickly be heading that way so I’ll wrap it up. I’m just trying to tell you that you’re okay! Okay? You’re okay and I’m okay! And I hope that whatever you choose, or have chosen, or will choose to do with your life is sustainable.