Okay you guys, listen. I’ve seen a lot of shit on my newsfeed complaining about the state of dating now, mostly from 10 cent articles by Elite Daily or Thought Catalog always complaining about the “Death of Modern Romance”. Ain’t nobody got a problem with either of those publications, I’m sure they’re great people or whatever. I do have a problem with this idea that technology has ruined dating though. First of all, let me say, I fucking hate Tinder. Let’s just get that out of the way. I tried it for a couple years, went on a couple dates, met a professional dirt bike racer (it was a really cool, really stressful 3 months) and then packed it up and told it to hit the bricks. So this isn’t me advocating for Tinder or any other online/app dating thing, I just feel like if we’re going to complain about a problem, we should accurately diagnose the problem. And I’ll tell you right now, Tinder is not the problem. Nor is Grindr, Ok Cupid, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Zoosk, Snatch, Zippity Fuckbuddy, or any of the like (might have made some up towards the end there). I think all the invention and proliferation of these apps did was reveal the problem, which is that people are shitty. Lol. TA DAAAAA!!! **balloons drop** **confetti cannon shoots** **models come out**. Like that’s it, we’re all just kind of shitty. These articles are right in that it does seem like everyone’s looking for the next best thing, the next swipe right. No one is satisfied. But these articles are blaming the plethora of choices for this sense of dissatisfaction, and I think that’s off the mark. I feel like if you know yourself enough and are mature enough to say what you want, focus on one person, and mean it, the amount of choices at your feet won’t matter. Because here’s the thing: even if you don’t have Tinder, you still have fucking eyes. Yeah maybe you’re not swiping left and right on your phone, but if you want to be distracted, if you want to look for the next best thing or the next adrenaline rush, all you have to do is walk into a bar and look around. Girls everywhere. Boys everywhere. Genitals everywhere. And if you’re kind of a shitty person who lacks strength of character, not having an app on your phone is not going to keep you from hunting for your new play toy.
Here’s what I think a lot of people are running into and then blaming the apps for: Patriarchy and Sexism. HA! Thought you’d get all the way through this post without me bringing up an oppressive system of power, eh? WELL THE JOKE’S ON YOU, PAL! And okay, I feel like I should also say that my view might be slightly biased because I follow “Straight White Boys Texting” on Tumblr and it’s just the most awful shit and of course, very one sided, but I don’t think that should take away from the fact that it does point to a bigger issue. A lot of dudes, (not any of you reading this I’m sure because you guys are my friends and amazing, but other dudes) legitimately don’t know how to speak to women. Mostly because they don’t know or understand that there is no such thing as a “Way to Speak to Women.” You know what women are? Humans. Humans with boobies and vaginas, but humans nonetheless. You know how to talk to a human?? Great, then you know how to talk to a woman. Congratulations, you did it. But so many dudes, either too hopped up on porn or encouraged by their dim-witted friends, approach women like they are LITERAL aliens. Aliens you can fuck, if only you could figure out justttttttttt the rightttttt combination of syllables to make contact *squints eyes* *purses lips* *tilts head to one side*: “Wanna see my dick??” Yeah, that should do it.
And while there is a very distinct and definite system of oppression that flows only one way, (hint: girls can’t be sexist. Tell your friends) I don’t want to paint boys as the sole destroyers of modern romance. We did it together! **eighties sitcom high-five freeze frame** Because let me tell you, the soul-rotting character flaw that makes boys want to flitter from girl to girl is present in women too. Or it’s the other side of the same coin where girls start dating a dude and as soon as he doesn’t text back within the hour, it’s “YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK HIM ANYWAY I DON’T EVEN CARE I’M A BAD ASS BITCH JUST LIKE BEYONCE HE’S THE BEST THING I NEVER HAD TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT I’M **FLAWLESS!!!” Full disclosure: I have been this girl. And I get it. And honestly I think what needs to happen is everyone needs to go to therapy lol. I’m serious. All these flaws and all this unhappiness that we’re blaming on the apps is misplaced. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news (not sorry), but in order to date healthily you’re probably gonna have to take a look at your own shit. And ask yourself why you talk to girls the way you do. Or why you can’t feel settled and satisfied with any boy. Like the problem isn’t Tinder, it’s you, compadre. Figure your shit out.